A New Revenue Stream

            Anybody been following the budget crisis in Washington, DC?  I know nobody really seems to care.  I on the other hand I'm a political junkie.  I use to strive for a life in politics.  But I found that the art of politics is looking busy and getting nothing done.  Think of Washington as a high school classroom.  They know they have work to do, but wait to the last minute to turn it in.  This is a group of people who, like many students, do just enough to pass.  Every couple of years we re-elect the same group that hasn't really accomplished anything.

            Any way I live for this stuff because I don't trust the government. I always worry what they’re up too and what rights they want to take away from us. I was watching some of the budget debate on C-SPAN. It seems that our representatives have come up with a new targeted tax that is guaranteed to raise revenue, the Penis Tax. There was much debate as to whether it should be a progressive tax, a flat tax or a user tax.  Most of the debate in regards to a user’s tax was the possibility of expanding the tax to women, but the female members in the house had no interest in this revenue source, typical. Well, they were more concerned with how it would be used, not necessarily the size of the revenue generated.  Also some questions were raised about masturbation.  How would that be regulated?  That line of debate was dropped once it was suggested that anything doing with master baiting would have to be referred to the Department Fish and Wildlife.  There was a fear that the bill would get stuck in committee and nothing would come of it. 

            Finally it was decided that a simple flat tax would be the simplest solution to the problem.  The tax would be based on the size of the male's member.  This lead to some concerns from the black caucus that this would be discriminatory.  After some give and take an agreement was reached that penises 7 inches and longer would be taxed $100 per year.  Penises less than 7 inches would be taxed at a rate of $50 per year.

 

            It is assumed that all males will pay the $100, giving the United States of America almost fifteen billion dollars in tax revenue.  Guys will wear their tax receipt like a badge on their clothing or a laminated card in their wallet.  "Hey baby, I just paid my penis tax," displaying their card or receipt to the women next to them. Of course you can bet that the trail lawyers will be lining up to file the fraud cases that dissatisfied women will file when their date doesn't measure up. Well there is no such thing as a perfect.

Say Goodnight to Liberty

            First they came for the smokers, and I said nothing.  Then they came for the trans-fat, and again I said nothing.  They came for the 16oz sodas, and I sat silent. Finally they came for the popcorn and the milk, and I said enough!

            It seems that the Mayor of New York wants to become “Nanny in Chief.”   Is his goal to make the “Big Apple” the “Small Apple?”  If I choose to move to NYC, why can’t I be a French fry eating, soda slurping, chain smoking, fat slob?  Perhaps the Mayor would like to check my underwear and see if I’ve changed it? Of course that is the TSA’s job, but hell, given the current state of our federal, state, and local governments. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind joining together to limit our freedoms even further.

            The belief that the government cares for us is slowly smothering our individual freedoms.  We need to be safe in our cars, so seatbelt laws are passed.  Shortly after, seat belt check points appear, and we willingly submit. No one supports drunk driving, so in an effort to show our opposition to drunk drivers, we allow drunk driving task forces to set up and stop cars.  Do either of these stops passed 4^th Amendment scrutiny? No, but the courts allow them.  Why? Obviously our safety outweighs our liberties.

            It has been rumored that to make air travel more palatable, stripper poles and roofies will be installed and distributed to make the invasive searches more fun.  These subtle changes may also increase the membership in the Mile High Club.  Of course, as sex can be dangerous there may be limitations on its use in the future.  I mean sexually transmitted diseases can cause great harm to a person, and be a danger to others, as can an unwanted pregnancies or an abortion.  

            Perhaps if the government could regulate sexual activity, maybe limiting it to once a week, with a condom, on a Sunday between the hours of 9-10pm in a sterile room provided by a state approved agency.  This would allow for a sex check points where individuals could be identified (Your papers please), screened for diseases and condoms.  The beauty of this system would be that the government could make sure that only government approved couples and sex acts could be performed.  This system could be regulated to help control the population.  For example there could be sex rooms and procreation rooms, with stiff fines if a couple uses the room for an improper purpose, say using the procreation room for just pleasurable sex, not creating a life.

            Once the government let us know what we can eat and drink; what kind of light bulbs we can use, how much water can be in our toilets, where we can live, or how we can travel; who we can marry, with who, and how, we can have sex, we will be totally free.

Surveillance

            There are so many surveillance cameras today that I’ve applied for my SAG card.  That way I can charge companies, local, state and federal government agencies a fee each time I make an appearance on screen or tape. For example, let’s say the TSA does a full body scan.  If they film it the cost would be x dollars; if they just use a still photo, y dollars. I should get a spot on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and be able to retire in two years.  My agent is working on residual rights.  People in the business tell me that is where the real money is.

             Which reminds me, I’m not allowed to fly for a while.  The last time a TSA agent searched me I came, and then gave him a $20 tip.  However, the local police arrested him for prostitution and me for soliciting.  Obliviously this created a big scene. In the confusion, a panic started and flights were delayed, re-routed and the airport was closed for two hours.

            Once things calmed down the handcuffs were removed and the black sack pulled off my head, I realized I was in Camp Gitmo.   Unfortunately, I was only there a short time.  To protect myself I told everyone my name was Porky Pig.  This created a stir among many of the detainees.  I started a small riot during a game of tag after I touched one of the Muslim participants.  They were offended to be touched by pork, as I was unclean.  Lucky for me that no one wanted to touch me or things might have gotten worse.  I was escorted out the gate by a couple of Marines.

            Fortunately, I was able to catch a ride back to the states with a Cuban family on a 57 Chevy.  I don’t think I’m an illegal, but let’s just keep that between us, just in case.

Goverment Solutions

High School Beer Sales

            In an effort to recover from the budget cuts in education, local school districts are preparing to take a page from the WVU playbook and begin selling beer at football games.  While controversial the plan is gaining traction with local politicians, educators, football boosters and parents.  Several districts in Western Pennsylvania have already contacted the State Liquor Control Board about the application process.

            The revenue generated for districts over the course of a season is estimated to be approximately six figures. That coupled with the advertising in the football programs, naming rights of fields and other advertising opportunities for distributors and State Stores could prevent property tax increases.  There is also some thought being given to selling wine and other alcohol products that would be more appealing to female fans.

            As an olive branch to local distributors, tailgating would be permitted beginning three hours prior to kick-off, and beer purchased by the school must bought from a distributor located within three miles of the high school football field.  Hard liquor and tobacco products would still be banned from school grounds so as not to send the wrong signals to the student body.  Also public service announcements warning of the dangers of alcoholic beverages and cigarettes would be read during the first and fourth quarters of the game.  All beer sales would end at the six minute mark of the fourth quarter.

            If successful, the beer sales could extend to other sports such as soccer, basketball and baseball where there is a tradition of drinking at the professional level.  Governor Corbett was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson said that the Governor was intrigued with the plan and may consider scrapping a proposed seat licensing fee for high school sports.

These are the random thoughts and rantings recorded from various therapy sessions.  Sessions that were to keep from losing my sanity, and were successful until I misplaced it.